woensdag, januari 19, 2005

How to be annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to
others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Honk and wave to strangers.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such
as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they
slow down.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim
the faster speed is necessary because of your
"superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a
notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a
"magic picture".

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.